The Return of "Giant Douche vs. Turd Sandwich"! August 5, 2008
Posted by Ryan at August 5, 2008 10:49 AM | Permalink | Comments ( 14 ) | TrackBackYou cast your ballots in last month's "Giant Douche vs. Turd Sandwich" contest to determine the biggest jerk who abuses animals in laboratories, and the results are in! After Marta spent many a sleepless night counting the votes, we are proud to announce that Michael Weed (aka "Giant Douche") won the honor of being the biggest of the jerk of the month! As a reminder, he was the one who forces monkeys to ingest alcohol, cocaine, ecstacy, and other drugs, to test their responses. Well done, Mike! You earned it!
But now, it's time for this month's match-up. In this corner, hailing from New Haven, CT...
Nickname: "Giant Douche"
Real Name: Marina Picciotto
School: Yale University
Interests: Feeding or injecting monkeys, mice, and rats with nicotine, cocaine, morphine and alcohol to measure "behavioral assessments", sometimes stating that the goal of the test is to make the animals suffer. In one test, she gave monkeys a Kool-Aid drink mixed with nicotine as their sole source of fluid. One monkey ingested the equivalent of 17 packs of cigarettes per day. Umm, Truth Campaign, you want to get on this?
Visual approximation, compliments of looptvandfilm / CC
Nickname: "Turd Sandwich"
Real Name: Allyson Bennett
School: Wake Forest University
Interests: Taking baby monkeys away from their mothers and forcing them to live without parents. Always the busy bee, Bennett has also researched whether or not binge-drinking might be bad for monkeys (because clearly that's a huge issue in today's society), and in her spare time she dabbles in torturing rats and mice by depriving them of food for up to two days. My my, Allyson, you really should take a permanent vacation.
Visual approximation, compliments of looptvandfilm / CC
I'm casting my ballot for "Giant Douche". How about you?
- Ryan!
Giant Douche vs. Turd Sandwich July 9, 2008
Posted by Ryan at July 9, 2008 1:47 PM | Permalink | Comments ( 25 ) | TrackBack
TAGGED:
vivisection Animal Testing douche turd south park
Hopefully some of my fellow South Park fans catch the reference from the title. :)
Sure, there are lots of cruel people in the world, many of whom are doing tests on animals. Today though, we're bringing you an epic match-up, between two of the biggest jerks around. The game will be to vote for which you think is a bigger jerk!
Ready? Here we go:
Nickname: "Giant Douche"
Real Name: Michael Weed
School: Johns Hopkins University
Interests: Alcohol, cocaine, and ecstasy - and forcing monkeys to use all of the above. In one test, Weed infected monkeys with the monkey equivalent of HIV, and then forced them to perform basic motor tasks... while on cocaine (you know, just to see what happens).
Visual approximation, compliments of looptvandfilm / CC
Real Name: Gordon Ewy (pronounced by me - "Eeeeewwwww-y")
School: University of Arizona
Interests: Saving pigs - after nearly killing them (and sometimes succeeding). He starts by letting the pigs' hearts sit at a standstill for 8 minutes or more, before trying to resuscitate them. The success of the test is measured by how many pigs survive, and among those how many retain full brain function.
Sounds to me like it's not the pigs that need their brains checked.
Visual approximation, compliments of looptvandfilm / CC
- Ryan!
March Madness: We Have a Winner! April 17, 2008
Posted by Ryan at April 17, 2008 3:47 PM | Permalink | Comments ( 7 ) | TrackBackWell, April is the cruelest month, so this is a perfect time to officially recognize 2008's cruelest university vivisector. Through four grueling rounds against some of the most disgusting men and women in the world, Arthur Weber of Michigan State University has come home with the big prize. Despite a late challenge from the vivisectors of Duke University (led by longtime monkey abuser David Platt), Arthur's team won the final contest with a commanding score of 20 votes to 11.
When asked for comment by the MSU campus newspaper, Weber—who was voted champion largely due to a series of experiments in which he removes cats' eyes while they're still alive—made the following statement through a representative:
"The animals are completely anesthetized, receive painkillers, and once the animals come out of the anesthesia, 10 minutes later you can't tell the difference."
Awwww, so modest! But of course you can tell the difference, Arthur! THE CATS ARE MISSING THEIR EYES. And don't forget the part where you keep them alive for a week after the operation and then kill them—I bet they notice that too!
Anyway, without further delay, please join me in recognizing Arthur Weber of MSU as the people's choice for the cruelest vivisector in the world! You've earned this, Weber. Let's all raise a finger for Arthur, shall we? :)
MSU.edu/Creative Commons
March Madness: Vote for the Evil Eight! March 28, 2008
Posted by Ryan at March 28, 2008 3:11 PM | Permalink | Comments ( 12 ) | TrackBack
TAGGED:
vivisection animals NCAA testing basketball big dance bracket
Just when you thought things couldn't get any crazier, the quest to find the cruelest college in the country has revved up a notch! All 16 of last week's contenders proved tough teams to beat, but only 8 could advance, and despite some powerful showings from Pittsburgh, KSU, Washington State, OSU, Purdue, Hopkins, Vanderbilt, and the University of Washington, only the nastiest can move forward ... so without further delay let's get down to narrowing the field even further as we prepare to put these vivisectors on the national stage in the Fatal Four next week!
Just like last week, I'll be highlighting what I consider to be the key matchup in this exciting tournament, and you can consult the cheat sheet to help determine who else to vote into the next round. Use the voting form or leave a comment to cast a vote for this week's Vilest Vivisectors in the Evil Eight!
Duke University vs. Texas A&M
Michael Platt, Duke Like 'em or hate 'em, Duke University always puts forward a strong team, and for the past decade, that's been largely due to the work of their MVP, Michael Platt, who drills metal screws into monkeys' skulls, pushes electrodes into their brains, and implants wire coils under their eyelids. A similar winning technique has been made popular by UConn's David Waitzman—another strong contender in this tournament, so if we're lucky, we may see a classic Big East/ACC showdown in the finals this year. The published results of Mr. Platt's cruel experiments include such timeless pieces of knowledge as the fact that one rhesus macaque monkey will often look in the same direction as another rhesus macaque monkey, so there's no question that Michael's earning his keep! To vote for Michael Platt, use the form or leave a comment below. |
Michelle Hook, Texas A&M Texas A&M might traditionally be the underdog in this matchup, but don't make the mistake of underestimating Michelle Hook of Texas A&M University's Department of Psychology. Her medium of choice is rats, and from the sounds of it, there's not much she hasn't done when it comes to slicing and dicing these animals. Michelle's preferred technique involves cutting up the animals' spinal cords, injecting them with chili pepper solution, pushing them into restraint tubes, and electroshocking their hind legs. Hook's world-beating conclusion speaks for itself: "These data suggest that peripheral inflammation, accompanying spinal cord injuries, might have an adverse effect on recovery." You heard it here first, folks: Giving electric shocks to torture victims might slow down their recovery time! To vote for Michelle Hook, use the form or leave a comment below. |
Use the dropdown menus to pick a winner!
- Ryan!
Vote for the "March Mad Scientists"! March 18, 2008
Posted by Ryan at March 18, 2008 12:27 PM | Permalink | Comments ( 3 ) | TrackBackAs you probably already know, it's March Madness time college basketball teams out there! I'm sure you've all filled out your NCAA brackets and made your predictions. Well, now it's time to play another fun game: Vote for the Worst University Vivisector!
These people get paid lots of money, and abuse animals in horrific ways. As far as I'm concerned, they're all losers. It's going to be up to you to determine the final winner though, so choose wisely!
Without further adieu, here are the "Sick 16" to start us off!
University of Pittsburgh vs. Michigan State University:
Patrick Kochanek, Pittsburgh.
Down in Pittsburgh's secretive laboratories, a team of experimenters lead by Dr. Patrick "Frankenstein" Kochanek are working deep into the night to reanimate the corpses of dogs, pigs, and mice. Seriously, I couldn't make this crap up if I wanted to: Under Kochanek's cold-hearted guidance, a group of "scientists" drain the blood from animals for up to three hours, pump an ice-cold salt solution into their veins until they're scientifically dead, then shock them back alive. The animals usually suffer massive physical and psychological trauma in the process, but that's a small price to pay for a zombie army, right? Right?? |
Arthur Weber, Michigan State.
Michigan State University's Arthur Weber ain't afraid of no zombies. This guy has a signature move that would frighten even the undead. This cat torturer's got his technique down pat: First he injures their optic nerve, then he dissects the overlying tissues, inserts a surgical hook, and places a clamp on the nerve. Next on the agenda: Wait for seven days until it's time to remove the cats' eyes while they're still alive! Then it's killing time, and you just know he likes that part the best—Weber's been at this game for more than 25 years. That's a whole lot of cats! |
Only one of these contenders can advance to the next round, so choose carefully! Cast your vote for the vilest vivisector using the form below, and feel free to leave a comment explaining your selection.
The cheat sheet will help you decide which other universities deserve to advance, and we'll be back next week with the Evil Eight! Stay tuned!!!
Use the dropdown menus to pick a winner!
Tortured Birds At Vassar College? September 19, 2007
Posted by Pulin Modi at September 19, 2007 1:45 PM | Permalink | Comments ( 3 ) | TrackBack
TAGGED:
Vassar College Cynx birds vivisection
I graduated from Vassar College in Poughkeepsie, NY several years back. It's a great school with some nice vegan options, pretty campus, smart students, and lots of other great stuff going for it. But I certainly do remember researching many completely ridiculous and cruel animal experiments which have been taking place on my alma mater's campus under the banner of 'science.' When will people realize that animal testing is a sick scam?
Recently, a whistleblower issued a sworn declaration that birds are being denied veterinary care and dying—even before they are experimented on. Vassar animal experimenter Jeffrey Cynx studies the impact of various mutilations on the songs produced by finches. He has cut into birds' backs to surgically implant testosterone-filled tubes, castrated male birds by suctioning testicular tissue, burned lesions into their brains, and ripped out the birds' tracheal nerves. What the fuck is wrong with him? His last name shouldn't be Cynx, it should be Sux.
Now, thanks to PETA's work with the whistleblower, the National Institutes of Health's Office of Laboratory Animal Welfare (OLAW) has launched an investigation into a laboratory at Vassar College, where finches and other birds are reportedly packed into cages in a basement before being surgically mutilated in experiments. PETA has fired off a letter to Vassar College President Catharine Bond Hill urging her to conduct an internal investigation. Vassar may also be in violation of the state's anti-cruelty statute, and PETA is calling on Dutchess County District Attorney William V. Grady to investigate.
While we pursue this case, the best thing you can do is pledge to stand against animal testing and spread the word about the reality of what goes on behind closed doors of institutions like Vassar.
