March Madness: We Have a Winner! April 17, 2008
Posted by Ryan at April 17, 2008 3:47 PM | Permalink | Comments ( 7 ) | TrackBackWell, April is the cruelest month, so this is a perfect time to officially recognize 2008's cruelest university vivisector. Through four grueling rounds against some of the most disgusting men and women in the world, Arthur Weber of Michigan State University has come home with the big prize. Despite a late challenge from the vivisectors of Duke University (led by longtime monkey abuser David Platt), Arthur's team won the final contest with a commanding score of 20 votes to 11.
When asked for comment by the MSU campus newspaper, Weber—who was voted champion largely due to a series of experiments in which he removes cats' eyes while they're still alive—made the following statement through a representative:
"The animals are completely anesthetized, receive painkillers, and once the animals come out of the anesthesia, 10 minutes later you can't tell the difference."
Awwww, so modest! But of course you can tell the difference, Arthur! THE CATS ARE MISSING THEIR EYES. And don't forget the part where you keep them alive for a week after the operation and then kill them—I bet they notice that too!
Anyway, without further delay, please join me in recognizing Arthur Weber of MSU as the people's choice for the cruelest vivisector in the world! You've earned this, Weber. Let's all raise a finger for Arthur, shall we? :)
MSU.edu/Creative Commons
March Madness: Vote for the Evil Eight! March 28, 2008
Posted by Ryan at March 28, 2008 3:11 PM | Permalink | Comments ( 12 ) | TrackBack
TAGGED:
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Just when you thought things couldn't get any crazier, the quest to find the cruelest college in the country has revved up a notch! All 16 of last week's contenders proved tough teams to beat, but only 8 could advance, and despite some powerful showings from Pittsburgh, KSU, Washington State, OSU, Purdue, Hopkins, Vanderbilt, and the University of Washington, only the nastiest can move forward ... so without further delay let's get down to narrowing the field even further as we prepare to put these vivisectors on the national stage in the Fatal Four next week!
Just like last week, I'll be highlighting what I consider to be the key matchup in this exciting tournament, and you can consult the cheat sheet to help determine who else to vote into the next round. Use the voting form or leave a comment to cast a vote for this week's Vilest Vivisectors in the Evil Eight!
Duke University vs. Texas A&M
Michael Platt, Duke Like 'em or hate 'em, Duke University always puts forward a strong team, and for the past decade, that's been largely due to the work of their MVP, Michael Platt, who drills metal screws into monkeys' skulls, pushes electrodes into their brains, and implants wire coils under their eyelids. A similar winning technique has been made popular by UConn's David Waitzman—another strong contender in this tournament, so if we're lucky, we may see a classic Big East/ACC showdown in the finals this year. The published results of Mr. Platt's cruel experiments include such timeless pieces of knowledge as the fact that one rhesus macaque monkey will often look in the same direction as another rhesus macaque monkey, so there's no question that Michael's earning his keep! To vote for Michael Platt, use the form or leave a comment below. |
Michelle Hook, Texas A&M Texas A&M might traditionally be the underdog in this matchup, but don't make the mistake of underestimating Michelle Hook of Texas A&M University's Department of Psychology. Her medium of choice is rats, and from the sounds of it, there's not much she hasn't done when it comes to slicing and dicing these animals. Michelle's preferred technique involves cutting up the animals' spinal cords, injecting them with chili pepper solution, pushing them into restraint tubes, and electroshocking their hind legs. Hook's world-beating conclusion speaks for itself: "These data suggest that peripheral inflammation, accompanying spinal cord injuries, might have an adverse effect on recovery." You heard it here first, folks: Giving electric shocks to torture victims might slow down their recovery time! To vote for Michelle Hook, use the form or leave a comment below. |
Use the dropdown menus to pick a winner!
- Ryan!
Vote for the "March Mad Scientists"! March 18, 2008
Posted by Ryan at March 18, 2008 12:27 PM | Permalink | Comments ( 3 ) | TrackBackAs you probably already know, it's March Madness time college basketball teams out there! I'm sure you've all filled out your NCAA brackets and made your predictions. Well, now it's time to play another fun game: Vote for the Worst University Vivisector!
These people get paid lots of money, and abuse animals in horrific ways. As far as I'm concerned, they're all losers. It's going to be up to you to determine the final winner though, so choose wisely!
Without further adieu, here are the "Sick 16" to start us off!
University of Pittsburgh vs. Michigan State University:
Patrick Kochanek, Pittsburgh.
Down in Pittsburgh's secretive laboratories, a team of experimenters lead by Dr. Patrick "Frankenstein" Kochanek are working deep into the night to reanimate the corpses of dogs, pigs, and mice. Seriously, I couldn't make this crap up if I wanted to: Under Kochanek's cold-hearted guidance, a group of "scientists" drain the blood from animals for up to three hours, pump an ice-cold salt solution into their veins until they're scientifically dead, then shock them back alive. The animals usually suffer massive physical and psychological trauma in the process, but that's a small price to pay for a zombie army, right? Right?? |
Arthur Weber, Michigan State.
Michigan State University's Arthur Weber ain't afraid of no zombies. This guy has a signature move that would frighten even the undead. This cat torturer's got his technique down pat: First he injures their optic nerve, then he dissects the overlying tissues, inserts a surgical hook, and places a clamp on the nerve. Next on the agenda: Wait for seven days until it's time to remove the cats' eyes while they're still alive! Then it's killing time, and you just know he likes that part the best—Weber's been at this game for more than 25 years. That's a whole lot of cats! |
Only one of these contenders can advance to the next round, so choose carefully! Cast your vote for the vilest vivisector using the form below, and feel free to leave a comment explaining your selection.
The cheat sheet will help you decide which other universities deserve to advance, and we'll be back next week with the Evil Eight! Stay tuned!!!
Use the dropdown menus to pick a winner!
