March Mad Scientists: The Fatal Four! March 31, 2009
Posted by Ryan at March 31, 2009 12:15 PM | Permalink | Comments ( 4 ) | TrackBackAs those of you who have been keeping up with your NCAA "March Madness" brackets will know, this year's college basketball championship series is down to the final four schools, all vying for the top spot. Unfortunately, they're all losers.
I say this because in a tragic irony, the universities that have the most talented athletes also seem to hire some of the cruelest animal abusers in the nation.
Need proof?
At Villanova University:
Experimenters inject meth into rats' stomachs, to determine whether the drug influences the rats' response time in behavioral tests (gee, I wonder). As you might have seen in our "Who Cares?" video though, these kinds of pointless and cruel tests on rats and mice are still legal, since no experiment on them, no matter how painful, is against the law.
At the University of Connecticut:
Experimenters implant steel rods into rabbits, to keep them immobile during cruel experiments. They then shock the rabbits with electrodes, and measure their brainwaves, while the animals are still awake.
At the University of North Carolina:
Maria Boccia, a vivisector at UNC Chapel Hill, removes rat pups, 2 to 14 days old, from their mothers for extended periods of time to induce deep depression in the mother rats. She then places the mothers in cylinders of water from which the rats can not escape to see how quickly the rats become overcome with a sense of helplessness and stop swimming.
At Michigan State University:
Not to be outdone, our returning "champion" from last year's "Giant Douche vs. Turd Sandwich" contest, MSU vivisector Arthur Weber has continued his "work", removing the eyes of cats while they're still alive. Weber attempted to justify his cruel and pointless experiments last year, stating that "The animals are completely anesthetized, receive painkillers, and once the animals come out of the anesthesia, 10 minutes later you can't tell the difference." Yeah, you're probably right, Arthur. I'm sure EYES are overrated anyway. What?! And don't forget the part where you keep them alive for a week after the operation and then kill them—I'd be willing to bet my March Madness pool money that they notice that too!
Of course, it's not the basketball players' fault that their schools hired such colossal creeps—animal experimentation is big business. As shown above though, no amount of money can keep animal abusers from being morally bankrupt.
March Madness: Vote for the Evil Eight! March 28, 2008
Posted by Ryan at March 28, 2008 3:11 PM | Permalink | Comments ( 15 ) | TrackBack
TAGGED:
vivisection animals NCAA testing basketball big dance bracket
Just when you thought things couldn't get any crazier, the quest to find the cruelest college in the country has revved up a notch! All 16 of last week's contenders proved tough teams to beat, but only 8 could advance, and despite some powerful showings from Pittsburgh, KSU, Washington State, OSU, Purdue, Hopkins, Vanderbilt, and the University of Washington, only the nastiest can move forward ... so without further delay let's get down to narrowing the field even further as we prepare to put these vivisectors on the national stage in the Fatal Four next week!
Just like last week, I'll be highlighting what I consider to be the key matchup in this exciting tournament, and you can consult the cheat sheet to help determine who else to vote into the next round. Use the voting form or leave a comment to cast a vote for this week's Vilest Vivisectors in the Evil Eight!
Duke University vs. Texas A&M
Michael Platt, Duke Like 'em or hate 'em, Duke University always puts forward a strong team, and for the past decade, that's been largely due to the work of their MVP, Michael Platt, who drills metal screws into monkeys' skulls, pushes electrodes into their brains, and implants wire coils under their eyelids. A similar winning technique has been made popular by UConn's David Waitzman—another strong contender in this tournament, so if we're lucky, we may see a classic Big East/ACC showdown in the finals this year. The published results of Mr. Platt's cruel experiments include such timeless pieces of knowledge as the fact that one rhesus macaque monkey will often look in the same direction as another rhesus macaque monkey, so there's no question that Michael's earning his keep! To vote for Michael Platt, use the form or leave a comment below. |
Michelle Hook, Texas A&M Texas A&M might traditionally be the underdog in this matchup, but don't make the mistake of underestimating Michelle Hook of Texas A&M University's Department of Psychology. Her medium of choice is rats, and from the sounds of it, there's not much she hasn't done when it comes to slicing and dicing these animals. Michelle's preferred technique involves cutting up the animals' spinal cords, injecting them with chili pepper solution, pushing them into restraint tubes, and electroshocking their hind legs. Hook's world-beating conclusion speaks for itself: "These data suggest that peripheral inflammation, accompanying spinal cord injuries, might have an adverse effect on recovery." You heard it here first, folks: Giving electric shocks to torture victims might slow down their recovery time! To vote for Michelle Hook, use the form or leave a comment below. |
Use the dropdown menus to pick a winner!
- Ryan!
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