With the First Pick in the Draft, the L.A. Clippers Select ... A Vegetarian! June 23, 2009

Posted by Marta at June 23, 2009 2:33 PM | Permalink | Comments ( 0 ) | TrackBack

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Hoop-heads like myself are very well aware that the NBA draft is coming up on Thursday, and it is shaping up to be one of the most unpredictable drafts in recent memory. One thing that seems pretty certain, though, is that the Los Angeles Clippers will take Blake Griffin as their number one pick. But here's a pre-draft revelation about the Oklahoma big man that not many people were expecting—dude's a vegetarian!

Over the course of two years in college ball, Griffin showed tenacity around the hoop and a willingness to bang down low—he even got himself a concussion to show for it. He simply dominated in the tournament this year, dropping 33 points and 17 rebounds on Michigan in the second round. He's energetic, a ferocious rebounder, and has unleashed some straight-up highlight-reel dunks that'll get you humming the SportsCenter theme song while you watch him on YouTube.

And all that? Powered by tofu, of course.

According to yesterday's SportsCenter, the Clips are as impressed with Griffin as everyone else is. In an attempt to make the Oklahoma boy feel "at home" during a pre-draft meeting with team brass, they took him out to a steakhouse in New York City. Looks like they should have done a bit more homework—they have vegetarians in Oklahoma too, y'all!

No word on what Blake ordered from the steakhouse menu, but as SportsCenter pointed out, he'll have no lack of great vegetarian restaurants to choose from in the city of angels as he attempts to become the latest savior of the NBA's most troubled franchise. Best of luck, Blake. You're gonna need it.


P.S. If his career pans out, Prince Fielder might have some competition for the best vegetarian pro athlete!

March Mad Scientists: The Fatal Four! March 31, 2009

Posted by Ryan at March 31, 2009 12:15 PM | Permalink | Comments ( 4 ) | TrackBack

As those of you who have been keeping up with your NCAA "March Madness" brackets will know, this year's college basketball championship series is down to the final four schools, all vying for the top spot. Unfortunately, they're all losers.

I say this because in a tragic irony, the universities that have the most talented athletes also seem to hire some of the cruelest animal abusers in the nation.

Need proof?

At Villanova University:

Experimenters inject meth into rats' stomachs, to determine whether the drug influences the rats' response time in behavioral tests (gee, I wonder). As you might have seen in our "Who Cares?" video though, these kinds of pointless and cruel tests on rats and mice are still legal, since no experiment on them, no matter how painful, is against the law.

At the University of Connecticut:

Experimenters implant steel rods into rabbits, to keep them immobile during cruel experiments. They then shock the rabbits with electrodes, and measure their brainwaves, while the animals are still awake.

At the University of North Carolina:

Maria Boccia, a vivisector at UNC Chapel Hill, removes rat pups, 2 to 14 days old, from their mothers for extended periods of time to induce deep depression in the mother rats. She then places the mothers in cylinders of water from which the rats can not escape to see how quickly the rats become overcome with a sense of helplessness and stop swimming.

At Michigan State University:

Not to be outdone, our returning "champion" from last year's "Giant Douche vs. Turd Sandwich" contest, MSU vivisector Arthur Weber has continued his "work", removing the eyes of cats while they're still alive. Weber attempted to justify his cruel and pointless experiments last year, stating that "The animals are completely anesthetized, receive painkillers, and once the animals come out of the anesthesia, 10 minutes later you can't tell the difference." Yeah, you're probably right, Arthur. I'm sure EYES are overrated anyway. What?! And don't forget the part where you keep them alive for a week after the operation and then kill them—I'd be willing to bet my March Madness pool money that they notice that too!


Of course, it's not the basketball players' fault that their schools hired such colossal creeps—animal experimentation is big business. As shown above though, no amount of money can keep animal abusers from being morally bankrupt.

March Madness: The Finals! April 8, 2008

Posted by Ryan at April 8, 2008 3:25 PM | Permalink | Comments ( 5 ) | TrackBack

Here's the moment you've all been waiting for! Thanks to your votes (as well as those on the PETA blog), we have narrowed down our tournament to the final two worst university vivisectors in the nation! They've been through a lot to get here, overcoming an unbelievably tough field of cat killers, monkey maimers, and bunny butchers to reach the finals of this notorious event, so hold your noses and steel yourself for one last dance with the March Mad Scientists ... ladies and gentlemen, you voted to see them here; now let's crown our champion:

MSU vs. Duke

MSU.edu/Creative Commons Arthur Weber, Michigan State Arthur Weber and the MSU team have been trouncing the competition so far, and last week's blowout of Alan Schatzberg and the underperforming Stanford brain butchers (with a score of 12 votes to 0!) has effectively silenced the doubters. Weber's spent 25 years torturing cats by removing their eyes while they're still alive, and given MSU's manhandling of the Stanford team last week, anyone going up against Weber and the Michigan state vivisectors should know that, like the cats who go under Weber's knife, they're in for a world of pain. Leave a comment below to vote for Arthur Weber and MSU to win it all.

Physorg/Creative Commons Michael Platt, Duke Like MSU, Michael Platt's Duke team held their opponents scoreless in last week's semifinal, and their 4-0 victory was more than enough to earn them a place here on the big stage. Platt brings a one-two punch to the fray that's going to be tough to defend against—his two-pronged approach to vivisecting involves drilling metal screws into monkeys' skulls and implanting wire coils under their eyelids. Will Platt's technical expertise with the brain screws be enough to get him past this final hurdle? Only you can decide. Leave a comment below to vote for Michael Platt and the Duke Devils to bring home the title.

Happy voting, and be sure to tune in next week when we crown the winner and take a nostalgic walk back through some of the tournament's highlights and disappointments.

March Madness: Vote for the Evil Eight! March 28, 2008

Posted by Ryan at March 28, 2008 3:11 PM | Permalink | Comments ( 15 ) | TrackBack

Just when you thought things couldn't get any crazier, the quest to find the cruelest college in the country has revved up a notch! All 16 of last week's contenders proved tough teams to beat, but only 8 could advance, and despite some powerful showings from Pittsburgh, KSU, Washington State, OSU, Purdue, Hopkins, Vanderbilt, and the University of Washington, only the nastiest can move forward ... so without further delay let's get down to narrowing the field even further as we prepare to put these vivisectors on the national stage in the Fatal Four next week!

Just like last week, I'll be highlighting what I consider to be the key matchup in this exciting tournament, and you can consult the cheat sheet to help determine who else to vote into the next round. Use the voting form or leave a comment to cast a vote for this week's Vilest Vivisectors in the Evil Eight!

Duke University vs. Texas A&M

Physorg/Creative Commons Michael Platt, Duke Like 'em or hate 'em, Duke University always puts forward a strong team, and for the past decade, that's been largely due to the work of their MVP, Michael Platt, who drills metal screws into monkeys' skulls, pushes electrodes into their brains, and implants wire coils under their eyelids. A similar winning technique has been made popular by UConn's David Waitzman—another strong contender in this tournament, so if we're lucky, we may see a classic Big East/ACC showdown in the finals this year. The published results of Mr. Platt's cruel experiments include such timeless pieces of knowledge as the fact that one rhesus macaque monkey will often look in the same direction as another rhesus macaque monkey, so there's no question that Michael's earning his keep! To vote for Michael Platt, use the form or leave a comment below.

TAMU/Creative Commons Michelle Hook, Texas A&M Texas A&M might traditionally be the underdog in this matchup, but don't make the mistake of underestimating Michelle Hook of Texas A&M University's Department of Psychology. Her medium of choice is rats, and from the sounds of it, there's not much she hasn't done when it comes to slicing and dicing these animals. Michelle's preferred technique involves cutting up the animals' spinal cords, injecting them with chili pepper solution, pushing them into restraint tubes, and electroshocking their hind legs. Hook's world-beating conclusion speaks for itself: "These data suggest that peripheral inflammation, accompanying spinal cord injuries, might have an adverse effect on recovery." You heard it here first, folks: Giving electric shocks to torture victims might slow down their recovery time! To vote for Michelle Hook, use the form or leave a comment below.

Use the dropdown menus to pick a winner!

Duke vs. Texas A&M Please Select Duke Texas A&M	UW-Madison vs. UConn Please Select UW Madison UConn
Michigan State vs. Harvard Please Select Michigan State Harvard	Stanford vs. UT Austin Please Select Stanford UT Austin

- Ryan!