Colonel Sanders: Pure Evil December 16, 2006

To Whom It May Concern,

I am writing to ask that you immediately exhume the body of Colonel Harland Sanders from the Cave Hill Cemetery in Louisville, Kentucky, so that a comprehensive autopsy may be performed, based on compelling evidence that Mr. Sanders' may have died due to a virulent strain of "pure evil" in his DNA. When Sanders died in 1980, medical technology was insufficient for performing such an analysis, but today science allows us to test even the smallest hair follicle, so I am confident that a second autopsy will reveal the true nature of the late Colonel's demise.

Official records indicate that Harland Sanders died due to leukemia, but it is my scientific opinion that this disease was merely a mirage. The "pure evil" virus—which was undocumented until 2005, when fellow chicken-killer Frank Perdue died—often masquerades as common diseases like leukemia in an effort to preserve itself. Unfortunately, all too often "pure evil" goes undiagnosed, though the symptoms are glaringly apparent: genocidal tendencies, snow white hair, and an obsession with the flesh of dead birds. It is extremely important that Mr. Sanders' cause of death be identified, as "pure evil" can be transmitted long after the host has passed away.

I urge you to heed my advice. Should you choose to ignore it, you will personally responsible if, or rather when, some poor soul visiting the grave site of others buried at Cave Hill—such as Patty Smith Hill (composer of "Happy Birthday to You") and The Gits' lead singer Mia Zapata—begin to show the telltale symptoms of "pure evil".

Yours,
Noah Cooper, concerned citizen

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